Subtitle: A Vegan, on an Island, with a Pig
A vegan found himself one day
On an island far away.
How? Nobody can explain,
I’m sure it won’t occur again.
He looked around and saw, oh wow!
With him was a big fat sow.
Now he knew this was a trap,
Just some stupid non-vegan crap.
Even though she was so big,
He was supposed to eat the pig.
He noticed that she was well-fed,
So make friends with her instead.
He built a shelter, though quite crude
While she made sure they both had food.
He even taught her how to play
games like chess to pass the day
Is that a wild exaggeration?
No crazier than the situation!
Introduction
Veganism is not simply a diet. It encompasses a set of ethical principles that seek to reduce harm and exploitation of animals and promote sustainability. Unfortunately for us vegans, many non-vegans don’t seem to be aware of this fact. You may find yourself facing questions from non-vegans that range from genuine curiosity to downright absurdity.
Questions posed out of curiosity are like gold. They offer you an opportunity to educate people and further the cause of veganism. Unfortunately, such golden questions are by no means the only ones we face. If only all questions posed to vegans were intelligent (and respectful…
But I have a question of my own: how is it that we poor vegans keep getting stuck on islands? It seems like a huge coincidence to me… and on top of that, we always seem to have a pig with us too? Is there some kind of cheap holiday package for vegans that I don’t know about? If there is, please let me know about it. If it is cheap enough, I might just take my chances…
We vegans are often painted as unrealistic sentimentalists or even portrayed as fanatics. This form of stigma perpetuates negative stereotypes and contributes to the marginalization of vegans within society. Similarly, online comments in digital media and certain interviewers on TV (ahem, Piers) have shown aggression toward vegans. We would do well to equip ourselves with the right attitude as well as some intelligent answers.
Non-vegans seem to feel threatened by us. Are they concerned we will convert them to veganism? (oh the horror!) Or recruit them into some secret doomsday cult? Do they feel guilty? (they damn well should!). Whatever the reason, some of them get uncomfortable around vegans. This spurs them on to ask questions that are an obvious but clumsy ploy to try to make us look stupid. These questions often seem to have no connection at all to reality, but then I suppose that is to be expected.
A common misconception is that all vegans are extreme fanatics and unrealistic sentimentalists. This thoughtless stereotype undermines the genuine reasons behind our ethical choices. More significantly, it fails to acknowledge the extreme cruelty and environmental impact of animal agriculture. To dismantle these misconceptions, it is crucial for us as vegans to approach such interactions with patience, understanding, and humor. If we don’t, we will soon feel stressed out by the mere fact that we have chosen to be vegan.
How to React to Non-vegan Ridiculousness
There is a nasty tendency amongst non-vegans to come up with theoretical scenarios to test your resolve as a vegan. One of the most common (and ridiculous) ones is: “What would you do if you were stuck on a desert island with a pig?” If you haven’t been asked it yet, be prepared. It is coming! Even vegetarians are not immune to this one.
It makes a difference who is asking, so I suggest you ought to have a selection of possible responses ready. The answers below are divided up according to the kind of approach you might want to take.
- Quick Shutdowns: You might choose to shut the discussion down without delay. Irony, sarcasm, or derision work well for that purpose. Probably not a good approach if it’s your boss asking…or maybe it is. I leave that to you to decide.
- Get Real Short-circuit the looming discussion by simply bringing them back to reality. After all, you are NOT on a desert island and there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that you ever will be… and there is no pig in your vicinity either.
- Turn the Tables. Ask THEM what THEY would do and play through the scenario with them to highlight just how ridiculous it is.
What to say when asked about being stuck on an island with a pig:
Quick Shutdowns (Take your pick)
Irony:
Example: Wow, what a clever question. I’ve never heard that before.
Sarcasm:
Example: Really? Do you want to go there?
Derision:
Example: Hahahahaha! (Just laugh)
Get real: (There are plenty of possibilities here)
- You are obviously looking for a particular answer. What answer would you like me to give you and why?
- You are aware that is never going to happen, right?
- I really don’t know. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
- Why are you asking me a hypothetical question that has no relevance at all in modern life?
- Have you ever heard of someone who was cast away on a remote island with a pig … and survived until they were rescued by killing it and eating its flesh?
Turn the Tables: If you prefer to take the conversation further and highlight the idiocy, you can turn the tables on them, something like this:
What would YOU do if it were YOU on the island with a pig?
(Possible answer: “Kill the pig and eat it”)
How would you kill it?
(Possible answers: “Slit its throat with a sharpened stone”) (or: “Hit it over the head with a big rock while it’s asleep”)
Pigs have a far more developed survival mechanism than you do. It will no doubt hear you coming and be on guard. If you get too close, or if you wound it, it will attack you. You do NOT want to be attacked by a frightened or angry pig. It will charge at you, knock you down and tear open your abdomen. Even baby pigs have that instinct. See the video below.
You will probably die of your wounds and it will feast on you instead. Even if you get away with a slight injury, that could prove fatal. Pigs have never been taught to clean their teeth and since you will have no medical supplies, your wounds will go septic. You will most likely succumb to blood poisoning and/or gangrene. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? All for the sake of some pork?
(Possible response: “It isn’t a wild pig”)
Oh? So then it must have arrived with you. In what form of transport would you be traveling with a pig?
(Possible answer: “A plane that crashed”)
They don’t carry pigs on planes so that’s impossible. It must have been there already, so it can’t be tame. Even if it once was tame, it will have gone feral.
(Or: “A shipwreck”)
You would have been traveling on a yacht, or a passenger ship. Since neither is used to transport pigs, it must have been on the island already. That means it is wild or has gone feral, so it is just as likely to kill you as you are to kill it.
But for the sake of argument, let’s assume you did end up on an island along with a pig and that you somehow succeeded in killing it without injury to yourself. How long would it take for its flesh to go putrid in the tropical heat? Recommendations are that meat should not be left unrefrigerated for more than an hour when the temperature is around 40 deg C. Some strains of e-coli can double in number every 4 minutes at such temperatures.
(Possible response: “I would cook it”.)
Oh, so you would cook it? That will make it last longer, but how much longer? Cooked meat should not be left out for more than 2 hours at 40 deg C. How much meat can you eat before it becomes toxic? Would you be able to resist the hunger cravings telling you to eat some more of it after a day or two? God knows what bugs will be multiplying in your gut. You could soon be seriously ill from listeriosis, or gastroenteritis. With no medication available, you would die very quickly, possibly from something as simple as dehydration.
But, once more, for the sake of argument, let’s say you survived the gastrointestinal pitfalls. You have to ask yourself whether eating it had any significant positive effect on your ability to survive until rescued or whether getting sick from eating it was more of a hindrance than a help.
What would I do?
I would tame it as soon as possible. That pig is your greatest asset on the island. It has an acute sense of smell which it will use to find food you would never even suspect was there. All you have to do is follow it and see what it eats. It can show you what plants are good to eat and it can find edibles underground, while you can climb trees to get fruit. You would make a great team.
The second greatest challenge you will face alone on a remote island is loneliness. (see how Tom Hanks [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Hanks] made himself a companion by painting a face on a ball and calling it Wilson in the movie Cast Away [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cast_Away]). Since a pig is even more intelligent than a dog, in addition to helping you find food, it would make a marvelous companion for you. Ok, it can’t play chess, but it would certainly be better than having no company at all.